Trapped in the Closet with R Kelly
It’s late at night, I have a grumbly 12 day old baby in one arm and I have just remembered about R Kelly’s Hip Hopera that contains the immortal passage…
“And then he says, “Move!”
She says, “No”
He says, “Move!”
She says, “No”
“BITCH MOVE!!!” She moves!
And then, he looks at the cabinet
He walks to the cabinet, get close to the cabinet, now he’s opening the cabinet
Now pause the movie ’cause what I’m about to say to y’all is so damn twisted”.
Now, coming from the guy that hit us with “Girl I promise this will be painless (Painless) / We’ll take a trip to planet Uranus” in his song Sex Planet I shouldn’t be too shocked but despite watching this countless times over the years I still can’t believe it.
I’m not writing this as an expert or big R Kelly fan (despite having a number of singles and albums that I don’t remember making the effort to buy.) In fact, I am surprised he’s not in prison so he either didn’t do the things I though he did or he has a great lawyer, either way I’m leaving that alone.
Getting back to the task in hand I am now investigating this Hip Hopera (yes, that’s what he calls it) ‘Trapped in the Closet’ which he has been adding chapters to over the last 12 years.
I have gone back to Chapter 9 a number of times over the years just to see if it was real, I included a passage from chapter 9 at the start of this so if you have read that I am sure you can see where my confusion lies.
I have even searched online to see if this whole thing is serious and it would appear it is, some of his loyal fans are even close to thinking he is a genius for it.
Back in 2012 he did a live ‘Trapped in the Closet: Chapter 23’ screening where he made the following statements;
“On his current occupation and the inspiration behind “Trapped in the Closet”: “I don’t have a job, so I think of stupid stuff to do all day.”
On how he comes up with the characters and the storyline for “Trapped in the Closet”: “I sit in this chair and get me some Cognac.”
On switching between Sylvester, his “Trapped in the Closet” character, and R. Kelly, the R&B singer: “It makes me feel weird in my body.”
On being a scientist of music: “I’m a scientist of music.”
On what his superpower would be if he could have one: “I’m gonna get corny on y’all, but I would heal the world.”
On what to expect in the following chapters of “Trapped in the Closet,” of which there are 85: “I have a leash on this thing, and I’m gonna walk it.”
On the only way to experience a “Trapped in the Closet” screening with R. Kelly: “[‘Trapped in the Closet’] is an alien, and I’m the astronaut taking you on a journey.”
If you want to take a look for yourself they are all easy enough to find on YouTube and Wikipedia has a load of information including chapter breakdowns (probably too much information to be honest)
I’m hoping that Tosh hasn’t seen it yet so we can do a video of him seeing it for the first failing that I’m sure a video of Dewey trying to explain what is going on in the video. This video, I suppose, will be just below this so my incoherent late night, baby feeding, sandwich eating, vomit mopping blog rambling might seem unnecessary.
If you plan on watching them all, good luck. We would always recommend Chapter 9 and I can only appologise if you came here expecting this whole thing to be cleared up or explained. Only R Kelly himself could try to explain this and I think we can all agree that he is a borderline lunatic. If you are enjoying them though don’t worry, he has plenty more lined up, unbelievably!